At the Crossroads

I was listening to this song the other day

Is this how our lives go? The road to eternity is long – I will yet come back. What we do here on earth in our lifetimes, does it really make an effect on eternity? Do we really meet the souls we loved here somewhere in the realm of out-worldly beings? 

Today is five months since my father joined his loved ones and was “gathered unto his people” (Numbers 20:26). Like biblical Aaron he was a man of peace – רודף שלום, always trying to get people to reconcile. Certainly within our big extended family. Did his kindness and generosity to others leave a mark on the little great granddaughters he left behind? I hope so. Am I worthy of his memory? Is he pleased with my actions? I hope so, but I am not sure. I wish I knew.

Yesterday, I walked to see my little grand nieces, whom I adore. I was imagining their lives ahead. I was wishing they were better than ours in every sense. Easier too. I don’t want them to find themselves at a crossroad. I am not sure that’s possible.

Where is your road?

To play to the right? To sing to the left?

Please, let it be a safe one, whichever you choose.

 

Before I went out of the house, I was asking Gd for a sign – which road should I take? In my life, I am at a crossroads, and even though I feel happy, I don’t seem to know the right way. My mind says one thing, my Jewishness and my emotions – another. Is mitzvah what I need to care for, or is it freedom to walk any road at any time? I started my walk alone and took it as a sign until someone caught up with me. Is this a new sign now? The one I was looking for? At the time of our joyzman simchateinu – זְמַן שִׂמְחָתֵנוּ, when even the weather unexpectedly seems to envelop you in loving sunshine, what do I believe? Is this sun going to somehow stay in my life through all its turbulent turns? Or, is the rain and upcoming winter going to take the reins and freeze my heart again?

The Sun shines

The dog walks wagging her tail, happily

Are these tears drying on my face?

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